Football transfer rumours to trigger Lionel Messi's

It rarely pays to get on the wrong side of a mega-zillionaire. They have so many hired goons and trap doors leading to shark tanks hidden around their office. But it seems that is precisely what Barcelona have gone and done with their pursuit of Paris Saint-Germain's Thiago Silva. PSG are furious and have told Barcelona that if they do not back off, they will go for the nuclear option and meet Lionel Messi's £215m release clause, before moving Sagrada Familia and Las Ramblas to Paris. How do you like them apples, Barça! Probably about as much as news that Cesc Fábregas is edging closer to joining Manchester United for £26m.

Barcelona would probably be better off turning their attention elsewhere, then. Luckily they've already identified a new defensive target: Liverpool's Daniel Agger, who's theirs for £12m. The bad news doesn't end there for Liverpool: Stewart Downing has turned down a move to West Ham and Rafa Benítez wants Pepe Reina to join him at Napoli. Rafa … how could you? Did it all mean nothing to you? Istanbul … Ring of Fire … Antonio Núñez. You think you know someone.

Arsène Wenger has been given the green light to offer £40m for Luis Suárez but when he does, he will soon discover that Liverpool has been busy moving the goalposts. Turns out that while everyone's been faffing around, they've decided that they would quite like £55m for Suárez. Not to worry, though, it just means that Arsenal can press ahead with nabbing Gonzalo Higuaín from Real Madrid. But what is this? Chelsea are in for Higuaín as well? Oh Arsène! See, this is why you were right not to bother in the transfer market all those years. It just leads to anger and disappointment.

Manchester City is close to completing deals for Stevan Jovetic and Alvaro Negredo and the spending will continue after a £26m bid for Benfica's Eduardo Salvio. Roberto Martínez will continue to Wiganise Everton by signing James McCarthy. He is also after Porto's Christian Atsu, but faces competition from Arsenal, Liverpool and Tottenham. Stoke have offered £8m for Hannover's Mame Biram Diouf and Newcastle want Marseille's André-Pierre Gignac. West Ham is in for QPR's Loïc Rémy after missing Colombian striker Duvan Zapata and have also made a bid for Sporting Heehon's Oscar Trejo.